i couldn't sleep last night/this morning.
my brain won't shut off even when i am very tired.
writing parts for my 'cancer story' made me want to finally look
at the filming we did. we recorded most everything and planned to
make a short documentary about it.
my intention is to still do this once i find someone who can convert the material to a better format and help edit it.
i haven't opened that box in four years, and never watched
what we filmed once until now.
i only watched 1 and a half of 7 tapes we filmed.
it was weird to see my boys so young, and dan with hair.
painful yet validating to watch him talk to me while i held the camera. he spoke softly and sweet to me; nothing that he is now.
i only watched to where my cancer stories are currently. although not surprised that my memory is identical to what was filmed, i am amazed at my ability to recall details of almost any event in my life.
my memory is a gift and a curse.
i love knowing who i am and the details of my life, but with the sweet memories also come the painful, sad ones that i would prefer to forget.
i'm not ready to post the details saved for future parts in the story, but the films made me miss my husband.
he is not him anymore.
he is someone else.
i have accepted this.
i have learned to be happy.
i have learned to be happy.
