ChUrcH

yesterday after church i picked up ko from his class.

he looked unhappy.

i asked him what was wrong. he said he lost the purple paper. 

he folded his arms across his chest and scowled, and a hummmp! came out of him.

i wanted to laugh but instead acted concerned.

i pursued him to tell me why he was upset.

he said, "i am bery mean!"

i said, "don't you mean mad?"
 

"no", he said, "i am MEAN!"

people in the hall were chuckling as we walked towards the door. when we got in the car he proceeded to tell me how "mean" he was and that he was "angry" (at least he used that appropriately), and when i told him that i didn't want him to be angry and that i loved him, he told me that i didn't love him. he was trying so hard to be upset and oppositional. by the time we got to the second stop light he was happy again, showing me his "smiley face".

e's new way of expressing himself these days is to say "mine!", which he did his fair share during sacrament meeting as he took all of ko's books and toys.

UnCerTaiNtY

it was conference this weekend.
so many good talks. 

  president monson said some great things that stuck out to me.  what a great prophet.
he said at one point that "nothing is as constant as 'change'".  he went through some examples of how change could affect us.


 change has always been a hard thing for me since i was a little girl.  maybe this was because a lot of the "changes" in my adolescence were hard to go through, ie:  my mom and dad getting a divorce, moving far away, getting a new dad, and mom, and a million new brothers and sister, switching back and forth between two household and their different dynamics and rules, being an outsider in a new school, etc.  
many of my friends and family know about the hard trials dan and i went through when he was diagnosed with cancer last year, right after e was born.  i thought i would die many times through out the whole ordeal, and in some ways i think that i did, or at least some parts of "me" did. it has affected me and changed me...permanently.....in so many ways.
today marked something meaningful to me.  it has been six months exactly that dan moved out.  a lot of people don't know, i have been in somewhat denial, somewhat limbo land, somewhat "if i don't talk about it, it isn't real" but we are separated.  another hard change. 

i have kept this a secret.

this has been extremely devastating and painful for me, and my kids.
i never thought i would be here, that i would be going through these type of changes.  i always thought of change as a new house, or a new job..........
i loved how president monson said that "we must adapt to the changes in our lives, we must find ways to enjoy the journey".
this has given me new focus, to try to find things to enjoy, even in this uncertain time in my life; and then to adapt.  this is the key.  some changes don't go back.  it's not like a "waiting the change out until things go back to "comfortable" type of a thing.
things happen, things you can't control.
this doesn't mean i will stop crying in the shower, in the car, and while watching the news on occassion, i think that is unavoidable, but i think it means that "this too shall pass" and i will be happy again once i am able to adapt to these changes.  

time heals all wounds.
 life is an experience, it's not perfect, just an experience. all experiences give us something, if we let them.
so i have learned today that my life will never stop changing.  change for everyone is different. and it will happen to us at different times in our lives, and in different ways. some changes are good, and some are not.  we can adapt, we can be happy.  this is a powerful lesson to me and anyone who gets "stuck" in a hard trial.  things may get worse before they get better.

 

disclaimer: this is me on a positive day.

ThE bArN

a dear mission friend of mine and his wife invited us up to their family's home. they have a little "farm" with a barn, cows, horses, goats, and of coarse ...tractors. the boys loved the tractors. it was so sweet of them to have us up and we got to sit and visit for a long time. sundays are hard to get through when you don't have a husband anymore. i loved being with their family.

tractors!

who's driving?

JeT

AlL aBoUt E

e's new word starting today is "uh-oh". 
because he can't say "oh" he says "uh-uh" with the appropriate tone inflictions.

when the bus comes to pick up ko he runs to the door and waves to him, like me, and says "baaaa" which means bye.

also his new thing to do is take ko's spiderman figures, three of them which is hard for him to hold, but he also keeps them in hand while drinking a bottle, eating, bathing, it's getting a little ridiculous. 

he's only 20 months old and is addicted to the swinging swooshing sound that i guess spiderman makes.

IdAhO vIsiToRs

gma marian, uncle taylor

SaNdBoX

'bury me in the sandbox"

SaY iT yOuR wAy

yesterday ko and i had a popsicle after a bike ride.  mine was root beer and his was "starerbury"

E-buGs R cUtE

e keeps picking at his toenail.

now it is finally almost off, and a constant bleeding wound.....gross! 

why is he doing this? i put band-aids on it and he just picks that off too.

e got his first hair cut.
look at my handsomeness!
chicks dig it!

WaShInG tRoUbLes

washing machine + pull up = always, always check pockets, and inside of pajama bottoms.

ReAd To mE

DrApEr dAyS

everyone is spending time with their own families this weekend.

my family right now is my kids and myself. 

i feel lonely, depressed, and it's hard to come up with 

activities when i feel this way.

sprouts wanna watch non-stop t.v. and 

momma wants to lay in bed all day.

a mother has to do what a mother has to do.....

we went to draper days to watch the parade.  it was just us, 

but we had fun together.

the 'green jello' festival (if you don't know what this is, don't ask) for mini rock wall climbing, jumping, face painting, and fish ponds.

otter pop

tired baby

herbie

flip flops

snow cones are cool

LaKe vAcaTioN

  morrison reunion
  our family loves home back in montana, echo and flathead, our two favorite lakes.

   ko loves the water, e hates it. ko and g-ma rode the tube behind the boat, and fell off.

  canoe rides, playing with baby crabs,relaxing.

  pig roast, and game night.

we did a hid and seek/trading post for the sprouts.

traditional midnight swim... burrrr!

echo lake

the cabin
judy, twins, madison, drew

canoe ride with g-ma
pregant shawnie on the floaty

she says it's comfy

e's jacket is so huge 

he kept falling over forward

ko, twins
parker (big cole's little girl)
hula hoop war
mckenna and kelsey
ko and madison take a turn

"allicator" floaty time
my beautiful mom and a very tired e
he finally jumped and swam!!!! yeah!!!
"all by myself"

pig roast
'this is my piece'

my g-ma
auntie lori, kindest person i know

big cole (my cousin, and person i stole my ko's name from), wife amanda, and parker

midnight swim,

flathead, our lake

the old lake house, new owner howie long

 cherry and apple orchard

yard behind the house, oh we miss this place
good bye montana!