SaTurDaY iS a SpeShaL dAy

ko and grandpa gardening

feeding sam when no on is looking

hmmmm

"thumbs up mom!"

g-ma relaxing by the fire dreaming about
lake days!

more work!

PoCkET rOcKs

ko is obsessed with rocks.

he picks them up big or small and then
hides them from me so i won't "throw them
in the garbage"....we aren't seeing eye to eye
on this issue unfortunately. so when i took off his paint pants
to wash them the washer was making funny noises....and low and behold......
rocks in my pocket. silly boys!

rAiN dAnCe

mom, take a picture for the blog....

i love these kids!

DiSnEy WoRLd

first time to disney world.

first time on a real vacation with the sprouts.

ko's 5th birthday.airplane

friend anna

ali and kids

e wears his hats sideways

mouse ears

mickey

dress up at disney world

 buzz was the cutest thing ever

lunch with pooh and friends

 safari

so tired

GoOd-ByE dEaR fRiEnD

yesterday was emotional.

our dear friend jenn

 passed away.

 

she had cancer twice, once before us and once after.

 

i love you jenn, thank you for being such a good friend and helping me through my own battle with dan's cancer.

you made everyone you knew feel well liked

and accepted and that is why so many people loved you too.

http://jennjewkes.blogspot.com/

rEaLiTy ChEcK

this week has been a really bad one for me. i don't think i have been this emotional since the week dan moved out almost a year ago.

i've been able to block out most of the pain before by
keeping myself busy in the gym, working on
personal goals, and staying deep in denial of what
is really going on....

but sometimes my sub conscience sneaks a peak of reality and it bites hard.
not to say that i don't know that things have a way of working themselves out,
but there are just those times when you just don't want to get out of
bed in the morning and face the music.

being alone is hard.

being a single mom is harder.

changing everything stable in your life as you know it is scary.

losing a spouse is like losing an appendage.....whether they die or just leave you.

putting on smiles for everyone makes you feel fake.

pretending your not sad that you don't "fit in" the way you used to....hurts
I want my life back.

my life, the one i deserve, the one i
wanted, the one i love living.  it has been stolen from me. i want to steal it back.

my kids make it worth it. i love them so much.

i am getting divorced. and there is nothing i
can do about it.

do i blame the cancer? no
do i blame myself? no
i blame selfishness, and bad choices.

i've had a lot of time to think about this.
i've had very little control over how my has been for the past 2 years,
and little control of how it will be for the next little while.
but i know i did the best i could with what i was
given at the time, and i have very little to regret.

to the man i married, and the man you could have been
i will miss you

i guess this is the part where the "us" ends
all i can keep telling myself is....this is hard.

"I CAN DO HARD."