DiSnEy WoRLd

first time to disney world.

first time on a real vacation with the sprouts.

ko's 5th birthday.airplane

friend anna

ali and kids

e wears his hats sideways

mouse ears

mickey

dress up at disney world

 buzz was the cutest thing ever

lunch with pooh and friends

 safari

so tired

GoOd-ByE dEaR fRiEnD

yesterday was emotional.

our dear friend jenn

 passed away.

 

she had cancer twice, once before us and once after.

 

i love you jenn, thank you for being such a good friend and helping me through my own battle with dan's cancer.

you made everyone you knew feel well liked

and accepted and that is why so many people loved you too.

http://jennjewkes.blogspot.com/

rEaLiTy ChEcK

this week has been a really bad one for me. i don't think i have been this emotional since the week dan moved out almost a year ago.

i've been able to block out most of the pain before by
keeping myself busy in the gym, working on
personal goals, and staying deep in denial of what
is really going on....

but sometimes my sub conscience sneaks a peak of reality and it bites hard.
not to say that i don't know that things have a way of working themselves out,
but there are just those times when you just don't want to get out of
bed in the morning and face the music.

being alone is hard.

being a single mom is harder.

changing everything stable in your life as you know it is scary.

losing a spouse is like losing an appendage.....whether they die or just leave you.

putting on smiles for everyone makes you feel fake.

pretending your not sad that you don't "fit in" the way you used to....hurts
I want my life back.

my life, the one i deserve, the one i
wanted, the one i love living.  it has been stolen from me. i want to steal it back.

my kids make it worth it. i love them so much.

i am getting divorced. and there is nothing i
can do about it.

do i blame the cancer? no
do i blame myself? no
i blame selfishness, and bad choices.

i've had a lot of time to think about this.
i've had very little control over how my has been for the past 2 years,
and little control of how it will be for the next little while.
but i know i did the best i could with what i was
given at the time, and i have very little to regret.

to the man i married, and the man you could have been
i will miss you

i guess this is the part where the "us" ends
all i can keep telling myself is....this is hard.

"I CAN DO HARD."

ToiLeT PaPeR

tonight i innocently went to the bathroom, (my bathroom) that ko is constantly taking over. and i went to get some toilet paper to discover that there wasn't any there. (of course, ko uses a roll every time he goes)

so it's only us three, me and the boys at home, as always, which present a problem. i opened the door and yelled for ko for almost 5 minutes before he answered me with a "what". i told him i needed some toilet paper. 5 more minutes and i have to ask him again. i hear him go to the closet where the rolls are suppose to be and i remembered that i didn't stock the closet yet, and the rolls were out in the garage.

i told him to get me some out of his bathroom. another 5 minutes go by and i hear the t.v. turn on in the other room. GOOD LAND! CAN HE JUST GET ME SOME TOILET PAPER!

"COLE!!!!!"

"what?"

GET ME SOME TOILET PAPER......................NOW!...................please.

so he finally bounds into my room and throws about a square and a half in the doorway. he was laughing, and even though i was really mad i was laughing so hard i started to cry, and told him if he didn't get me more toilet paper he was going in a time out.

PrEsEnTs

twas the night before christmas....

christmas was me that the sprouts.
i'm getting more comfortable with being alone, and alone with my boys.

we took a trip up to idaho to visit my dad and we saw the cousins.
we played in the snow

BirTDaY

presents?

every present needs scribbling

it was a good birthday, but i have never felt more tired

this is a new year.

i hated so many things about last year.

i lost a lot.......a husband, stability, income, direction, self-esteem, friends, my future as i knew it, a lot of sleep, and 70 pounds.

i also gained last year. self respect, control over MY life again, confidence, new friends, love for myself, charity, a new face in the mirror, and greater love for my children.

lessons i learned: life is hard and not always fair, free agency can be such a blessing and curse depending how you look at it, it's easy to judge others, but more difficult to just love them, if you want something bad enough you can achieve it.

the biggest lesson learned: i am glad to be the person i am. before i wasn't always sure, but i can honestly say now that i like being me, flaws and all.....because there is really so many more good things to me than just my flaws......i had to depend on those good things about me to get me through this year.

i have set some new goals for myself for this year. as i think it's a good tradition for every year. this last year was probably one of the first years that i took my list seriously and actually accomplished some of them. i hope to make even more of my goals realities this year.

these goals for me have been a way for me to measure my own progress in life.....am i going anywhere? or just being a time waster.

i never want to be the later.